Tomorrow’s my birthday. I’m turning 40. I wish I could say I’m super excited about it but I don’t like to lie.
I’m not where I’d thought I’d be at 40. My goal was to be working as a screenwriter, making 80K a year all while married to a man who loved me and the Jesus in me.
And yet on the eve of my birthday, I find myself (once again) unemployed and single, and living with a cat that barely tolerates me.
What the hell?
I know, you were expecting some beautiful, Jesus-filled insight about being exactly where I should be and loving it. Uh, no.
I’m where I am partially by my own hand and partially because things like unemployment just happen. But I still hate being here. I desire more for my life. And so does Jesus.
I want to be living as He wants me to; doing life the way He intends me too and I am questioning if I am pleasing Him. Is my unemployment and “singleness” due to disobedience? Is this a lesson I need to learn? Am I being punished?
I’ve been praying (whining and fretting) to Jesus and He is clearly listening and responding to me. In fact, He is very clear He has a plan (I wished He’d tell me what it is but then I’m pretty sure I’d screw it up) and He intends to move with power in this season. His intent is to refine me, not punish me.
So, 40 cometh. And I am thankful that He is in it. The other stuff? Not so much. But I doubt the gold enjoys the fire either or the clay, the wheel but I will trust in the hands of my Maker. I will meditate on Psalm 118 and remember:
So this is my prayer for my birthday: May this next trip around the sun be filled with the Son.