Recently my pastor was preaching on the Orphan Heart. We have a weekend conference coming up on the subject coming up. Check it out if you’re interested.
Now, I will admit. I don’t feel like I struggle with this. I know who the Father is, His love for me and how He loves me. Maybe it’s because I have a great dad. And of course, we transfer a lot from our earthly dad relationship onto the Father so I got lucky in that regard.
But during this sermon, my pastor said one of the “signs” of an orphan heart is an overwhelming need to be loved. This pierced my woman’s heart and I immediately disagreed in my head.
**Sidenote** I have a running conversation going in my head with God. So when this disagreement happens, it usually has nothing to do with the truth of what I’m hearing but rather what is going on in me. And 9 times out of 10, God has put His finger on it so I can deal with it. (The 10th time is usually me ignoring Him because I don’t want deal with it…)
Ok, so I disagreed in my head and thought, “Psshh, everyone wants to be loved (duh was added too I think)…what we really want is to be chosen.”
And I hear: No, Love, what you want is to be chosen. Damn it. Fine, let’s deal with this…
Jesus began to unfold some ugly stuff in how I treat Him as a woman.
(Didn’t see that coming did you?)
I know God (and trust His character) as Father and as Comforter (the Holy Spirit’s role), Jesus as my Savior and Friend. Got it. But Jesus, the Bridegroom…as husband… the one who has chosen His love? Not so much.
My attitude has been coming to light during my unemployment. I know why I am in this season (that’s for another blog) and its purpose. But I still struggle with the barely-making-it provision, the boredom of not writing; of being stuck and alone in this place. And I’ll be honest, I’ve had a couple of prayer tantrums (to the point of calling Him a liar. Don’t do that, by the way) that caught me off guard.
Yeah, You take care of me when it’s easy. But now, when I really need You. When I really need rescue, You’re helping someone else find what she needs but not me…
Oh, ugly, ugly. And then He reminded me of Isaiah 54, a favorite for divorced women: Your Maker is your husband.
“Blah blah blah,” I think, rolling my eyes, “got it…” But then I actually read it with a purposed heart and the truth of it washed over me:
“Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
For your Maker is your husband—the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.
The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.
It’s painful how much this speaks to my heart but Jesus has also breathed in it peace and truth: He picked me. I was chosen. And I need to stop treating Him like a slacker husband who acts like He’s “stuck” with me. Because it’s not who He is and it isn’t how He treats me.
He picked me: You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. John 15:16
He picked you, too. Let’s meditate on the truth today!