I recently had to join Pintrest. I swear, I didn’t really want to add another online/social media time-suck to my life but I need to get familiar with it because my job wants to launch a page for our website and it’ll be my job to manage it. So, I signed up and started creating Boards and Pinning.
And then I ran into the wedding boards.
I found so many things that I loved! Ideas about centerpieces and places; images of gifts and dresses…It made me all excited and hopeful and doing the “someday…” talk. I know, you may not have realized how much of a girly-girly sap I am but the gig is up. I’m a cynical romantic. Go figure.
However, I just couldn’t bring myself to set up a Wedding board. And while I tried to tell myself I was being practical: Good Lord, I’m a 40 year old divorcee. I actually felt foolish: Lord, I’m a 40 year old divorcee…
Later, I felt this nudge of Are we going to talk about this?
No. I mean, what’s to talk about? I’m 40, divorced and not even in the zip code of dating someone much less getting married! At this rate, I’ll be this lady when (if?) I ever get married again.
Now, I find this image and idea very sweet—for her. However, I cringe at the idea of how old I could be by the time I finally get around to a second marriage.
Stephanie, let’s talk about this…
NO! And a lot of accusations that started with You promised… poured out of the tightly-closed glass jars I keep in my heart. You promised…
… to protect my heart. So WHY has every “Christian” man You’ve allowed in my life thrown me out like trash?
… I was forgiven. Am I being punished for my past?
… I was pretty. Because lately I really feel like a fat lesbian; And You know I’m not into girls.
… I’d be loved (by a man) in this life. Yes, You are enough, but You have confirmed that I am created to be a wife and mother and surrounded by family…
And then I was reminded of Margot wanting a car at 4 years old. She had gotten a Barbie Volkswagen Bug for Christmas or her birthday or something and she LOVED it. She knew that she was going to have one just like it: pink with flower decals and a “vase” to hold flowers in sitting on the dash. She had dreams about all the exotic places she was going to go in it, like France and DisneyWorld. It was the symbol of her future life.
So, when she came to me wanting to know when her Bug would arrive, I teasingly said, It’s gonna be awhile… she was not amused. In fact, she was very, very serious and informed me that I was not funny. Sweetie, you’re 4. You have to be 16 to drive a car. It doesn’t make sense to give you something you can’t use yet.
But you promised! was the response and it was followed by stomping off into her room was accompanied by a serious silent treatment. She really does come by it all honestly.
So, am I going to put up a Wedding board on Pintrest? I don’t know. It’s really not the point of what God wanted to show me. For Jesus, He used the Pintrest tantrum to show me I need to see some things, remember some things and let go of a lot of things. I also know that He isn’t a liar and His promises are true.
So, until then (because my VW Love Bug will come eventually) I will love Him, attend to what He has put in this season of my life to manage and know that while His time is not mine, it is the right time. After all, it doesn’t make any sense to give me something I am not ready to drive yet.
** A little disclaimer. It has taken me over a week to write this blog. The idea of writing it has made me feel very exposed. As you read it, I hope you know my goal is not to receive compliments or affirmation or whatever. I’m trying to, one, be obedient to what He puts on my heart to write. And, two, hope that my experience will encourage someone who is also struggling with this. **